Sometimes, no mostly, I trick myself into thinking I’m empty inside. That I’m emotionless and feelingless. I tell myself that nothing bothers me and that I’m unfazed by what is going on around me. But then night time rolls around, so do the tears and I realize I kid myself every day just to make it through. I’m not emotionless nor am I empty. I pretend to be because that is how I wish I was. Instead, I am pouring with emotions and every night comes a flash flood of frustrated hot tears that hit my cold pillow. I don’t know what you did to me to have such a huge impact on me for a whole year. But it isn’t fair and I want nothing to do with you. Ever. So stop popping up right when I’m beginning to get better. The worst thing is that it’s not even you directly, it’s you through other people, and that’s worse.
I’m never going to be someone else’s only. I’m never going to be the only one they need and want. I’m never going to be good enough. I bet she’s prettier, hotter, funnier, smarter, nicer, more popular, more willing to do stuff to him and let him do stuff to her. She’s going to give him what he wants but couldn’t get from me. Sooner than later, I’m going to register as a joke in his mind. Our whole relationship will be an “eh whatever” and his new one will be a “yes score!” one. I’m going to mean less and less to him each day. As if he didn’t already not care about me enough. I want this feeling to turn to hate. I want to take a lighter to the plastic golden “greatest girlfriend” award and watch the hot unforgiving flames melt away all his meaningless words once and for all. The flame can do what I cannot, and that is erase him from my life.